No One Has to Know

The young girl sat and stared at the blank document on her computer screen. She felt tired and unstable as her fingers ghosted over the keys. She took a deep breath before her fingers began to dance across them.

Sunday,

Some days I hate myself and I get sad, unbearably sad. And the emotion always hits me and surprises me into submission. I never know how I’m going to react to the tidal wave, but I know I won’t be calling or asking anyone to comfort me. Because after a while, reaching out to people and being ignored starts to hurt. I already know I’m not worth the time, I do not to be reminded of it. And then, that thought brings on another thought. One that has constantly been at the back of my mind since I can remember: I will never be anyone’s first choice, not now, not ever.

It is a sad thing to think about, that someone will always be better than you and that they will always be chosen over you. It’s sad, but it’s reality. And when reality starts to chip away at the happy illusions that I’ve created for myself, I become this bundle of nerves that can’t seem to calm down and relax. I begin to feel like I’m going to throw up, faint, and die all at once. I begin to feel like life is tightly gripping my throat with rough and bony hands that leave unseen scars on my flesh.

So I hide away in my bed. I burrow deep beneath the covers and I don’t leave. Even if I begin to feel lightheaded and too warm. I curl up on my side and close my eyes and hope that when I open them, I will be normal. That I won’t be so neurotic and so pessimistic. I will do this for the majority of the day until it hits me that I will always be a weird, neurotic, pessimistic, and pathetic piece of shit. People don’t notice those things about me because I hide myself in pretty clothes and pretty makeup. I doll myself up into a glorified waste of space.

I even fool people into believing that I’m a happy and normal person. People seem to believe that I’m this cheerful and sweet person. But I’m not. I’m cold, peculiar, pessimistic, rude, and dumb. That isn’t to say that I’m not ever happy. Because I can be.

Today is just not a day for smiles and laughter. At least, not for me.

She opened a web page and couldn’t decide if this was something that she should post into her blog. She had many friends who followed her blog and she wasn’t sure if she could deal with the influx of guilt-induced texts and messages that she would surely receive upon posting the entry. As she closed her eyes, she decided that she wouldn’t post it.

“If someone cares enough, they will contact me on their own. They won’t need any initiative. If someone wants to see me, they will come to me on their own accord,” she murmured resolutely to herself as she closed the web page and deleted her journal entry.

No one had to know that she felt alone and unneeded. The young girl brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, pulling them tight against her. She felt the hot sting of tears as they left her eyes and slipped down her cheeks.

No one had to know.

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Sunset

She climbed to the top of the slide and sat down, arranging her books, bag, and phone around her on the small surface. She came here every once and a while to get away from her friends, her family, and her worries. She only brought her phone for emergencies, she generally ignored any calls and texts she received during this time. 

She took a deep breath of the twilight air. She loved how despite the warmth of the day, it always became slightly cooler as the day came to a close. 

She loved to sit here and watch the sun sink into the ground. There was something relaxing about the silence of the oncoming night. It let her know that whatever troubles she had during the day, that the night would come and wash them away, just for a little while, that she had some breathing time before she would have to tackle them again. 

Prepared (late post April 18th, 2013)

She was always told not to do this, to wait until marriage. If her mother knew she was doing this, she’d be disowned, humiliated, and hated. Her mother would hate her and her father wouldn’t be able to look her in the eyes. She ignored the bitter sting of tears and looked up at the nurse, nodding.

The nurse wrote some things down and got up, walking across the room to a set of drawers. Pulling a drawer out, she pulled out a twenty or so condoms, two pink cases, and little pink bags.  She got out a small brown paper bag and placed them in it.

She handed the bag to the girl, Are you sure you don’t need anything else? she nodded again, murmuring Thank you. before getting up. The nurse stopped her and gave her a card Feel free to call me if you need anything okay? I’ve seen girls like you who have no support come through here. The girl took the card and left.

She needed to be prepared. Even if her parents will hate her, she needed to be prepared.