No One Has to Know

The young girl sat and stared at the blank document on her computer screen. She felt tired and unstable as her fingers ghosted over the keys. She took a deep breath before her fingers began to dance across them.


Some days I hate myself and I get sad, unbearably sad. And the emotion always hits me and surprises me into submission. I never know how I’m going to react to the tidal wave, but I know I won’t be calling or asking anyone to comfort me. Because after a while, reaching out to people and being ignored starts to hurt. I already know I’m not worth the time, I do not to be reminded of it. And then, that thought brings on another thought. One that has constantly been at the back of my mind since I can remember: I will never be anyone’s first choice, not now, not ever.

It is a sad thing to think about, that someone will always be better than you and that they will always be chosen over you. It’s sad, but it’s reality. And when reality starts to chip away at the happy illusions that I’ve created for myself, I become this bundle of nerves that can’t seem to calm down and relax. I begin to feel like I’m going to throw up, faint, and die all at once. I begin to feel like life is tightly gripping my throat with rough and bony hands that leave unseen scars on my flesh.

So I hide away in my bed. I burrow deep beneath the covers and I don’t leave. Even if I begin to feel lightheaded and too warm. I curl up on my side and close my eyes and hope that when I open them, I will be normal. That I won’t be so neurotic and so pessimistic. I will do this for the majority of the day until it hits me that I will always be a weird, neurotic, pessimistic, and pathetic piece of shit. People don’t notice those things about me because I hide myself in pretty clothes and pretty makeup. I doll myself up into a glorified waste of space.

I even fool people into believing that I’m a happy and normal person. People seem to believe that I’m this cheerful and sweet person. But I’m not. I’m cold, peculiar, pessimistic, rude, and dumb. That isn’t to say that I’m not ever happy. Because I can be.

Today is just not a day for smiles and laughter. At least, not for me.

She opened a web page and couldn’t decide if this was something that she should post into her blog. She had many friends who followed her blog and she wasn’t sure if she could deal with the influx of guilt-induced texts and messages that she would surely receive upon posting the entry. As she closed her eyes, she decided that she wouldn’t post it.

“If someone cares enough, they will contact me on their own. They won’t need any initiative. If someone wants to see me, they will come to me on their own accord,” she murmured resolutely to herself as she closed the web page and deleted her journal entry.

No one had to know that she felt alone and unneeded. The young girl brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, pulling them tight against her. She felt the hot sting of tears as they left her eyes and slipped down her cheeks.

No one had to know.


Haze (late post April 12th, 2013)

He wrapped his scarf tight around his neck and buttoned his coat up nice and snug around his body. Taking a deep breath, he walked out his flat into the grey haze of the autumn London fog. He had only lived there for a few weeks and he had never encountered a London evening of foggy mysteries. He ventured down his steps and down the street towards the cafe, wisps of fog wrapping themselves loosely around his thin, reedy body.

He shrunk into his scarf like a turtle as he began to feel the fog trying to sneak into his warmth. He hated the cold and the fog. He didn’t understand why he agreed to take a job in London in the autumn when it was basically everything he hated. He missed the California sun and the burning heat that came with it. He had to buy a new wardrobe when he moved. He hated it. He didn’t know why he did anything these days. All he wanted to do was sleep and never have to wake up but no, life didn’t allow that for him.

He didn’t love his job (marketing and advertisement), he didn’t love himself (he found himself to be too tall, too skinny, and too pale), he didn’t even love his family (too loud, too crazy, too much drama), and he found that he rarely took pleasure in anything but lying down in the sun and not moving.

The man found the cafe and quick walked into it, shaking the cold from his bones and unwrapping himself from his cocoon, taking in the warm scent of coffee and pastries. He didn’t love much and he didn’t understand much, but for now, he’ll take small pleasure in a hot cup of coffee and a warm plate of apple turnovers.